Dearest Beth,

I have been searching for a way for you to become aware of the things I expect before our love can begin to grow. I have become aware of why my speech is so difficult for you to understand. And so I am using a form of communication that I feel confident will enable you to understand the thoughts I wish to convey.

You may have been wondering why I seem disinterested in spending time with you. I am firmly convinced that for two people to get along it is absolutely essential that everything they do and say to each other is clearly understood to be in their mutual self-interest. And so it becomes my duty to permit you to become aware of a few small habits that drive me apart from you.

I am sure you are aware that our time together has not been particularly happy. I would like to be able to enjoy our intimate moments together, but you must be aware that I find it uncomfortable to engage in the act of physical love with an individual whose behavior resembles that of a child. In my cultural upbringing, and in the laws of human nature, a responsible adult may not enjoy knowledge of a female body without her knowing consent. The test of knowledge is the essential point to me, for an adult is a person whose behavior patterns indicate knowledge of the difference between childish behavior and loving behavior. In my understanding, the act of loving is the act of choosing to behave in a manner that is at all times consistent with the notion of mutual benefit. When one engages in an act that is known to harm the other, then that person is failing to act in a loving manner. And so it follows that now I must relate a variety of behaviors that I find harmful to me.

When you raise your voice at me, it causes my heart to race, which is highly detrimental to my physical well-being. Perhaps, this reaction is inherent in our limbic systems and is designed into our bodies to protect us from danger. I want you to know that when you feel angered, there is a beautiful and loving way for you to let me know how I transgressed and how I can improve. If you are unaware of the method, I would be glad to show you how. In return for this favor, I make this pledge to you, that I will never be angry when you correct my behavior, provided you choose the way that makes us both feel good about it.

When you call me names or mock me, you show your disrespect, which makes it harder for me to give you any back. So if you don’t mind, could you avoid such rude remarks, but it’s all right with me if you simply say, "Are you aware that you are talking like a computer?" (The answer will be yes, I’m doing it on purpose, so that you can easily follow my logic and learn to understand.) In return for this favor, I will endeavor to be a better listener and never interrupt. But as you are aware, my frequent interruptions were a signal that before you could go on, I had to let you know that your breath was being wasted on a mind that could not follow what you said. Likewise, there is no reason that anything I say should be incomprehensible to you. If I should offer an unsolicited opinion, you merely have to remind me that you prefer to solve your own problems.

I hope we’ve seen the last of the slamming of doors, and throwing of objects to vent your frustration. As I’m sure you know by now there’s a much better way, and I would appreciate it greatly if we could learn to make it work.

Please be aware of one last thing, regarding the use of our joint funds. I expect you to use your very best judgment to ensure that the money I give you every week is spent in our mutual self-interest. If you are unsure that I would approve of a given expenditure, I would rather you check with me in advance than test my patience by seeing how much you can get away with. If I notice that you are testing my limits, it will make me aware that you still have not grasped the idea of what love is all about. I feel strongly that material gifts can and should be used as a reward to motivate people to pursue the acquisition of knowledge, which once acquired will enable them to assume ever more responsibility toward the ultimate goal of being able to care for themselves and those around them with perfect common sense. There is no need to cope with a difficult situation, for accumulated wisdom can be shared among all people.

Finally, it dawned on me why you (and my mother) frequently got angry at me for telling you (and her) what to do. I thought about the sentence, "If you did this and that, it would solve your problem." If you know about the existence of causal relationships in the real world, then that sentence is easily interpreted as a suggestion that a logical relationship exists between "this", "that", a third consequence leading to the desired effect. That is, the sentence is a hint to go and find the logical relationship and become aware of its existence in every similar case. But if you’re unaware of the cause and effect relationships hidden within the sentence, then the only sensible meaning is to take it as a set of instructions. This very subtle distinction is something that I was not aware of before, and I think it’s very important in understanding why another person misinterprets what I say. What this means, is that when someone says something that sounds to you like a sequence of instructions, you merely have to ask them why they think that would work, and you can then discover for yourself where the other person believes a cause and effect relationship to exist. And if you doubt it, you can always go and look for yourself (or ask another person) and discover for yourself the truth about your world. In becoming aware of this, I feel I have stumbled onto a very important idea that tells me a great deal about how the mind works. In fact, I now feel that I can say in simple English what is going on in my head when I think, feel, talk, and listen. If it weren’t for you, I never would have reached this point. And so while the journey was not always pleasant, I feel good about the many things I learned from you during this first stage of our marriage. I want you to know I love you very much, and I hope you love me just as much.

Barry

May 12, 1985