Introduction
On Feelings of Being Neglected
On Feelings of Intimidation or Ignorance
On Feelings of Resentment
On Feelings of Insecurity
On Feelings of Mistrust

On Caring and Being Cared For

Barry Kort

Introduction

There are many situations in which two people wish to act in a caring manner toward each other. It could be family members, friends, colleagues, and even people who behave as adversaries even though they don’t want to. I strongly believe that in every situation that one finds oneself, there is an ideal remark that one can make to improve or correct the situation. The ideal remark has the property, that after it is said, the other person learns something they did not know and wanted to know about the person who made the remark. When someone discovers something they did not know and wanted to know, it follows automatically that they are glad to know it, so they will appreciate you more for having said it. Our problem is that we have difficulty discovering the ideal remark. That is, we do not know what to say, so we either say nothing (which is the wrong thing to do) or we do say the wrong thing (which is obviously the wrong thing to do as well). The problem is, the right thing to say depends on the other person, and we do not know enough about the other person to be able to make a good choice. This paper suggests some possible ways to discover what to say, and to thereby gradually improve the relationship between any two people.

On Feelings of Being Neglected

A cared-for person sometimes feels that the caring person is neglecting an important need. There are three possible reasons for this. The three reasons are lack of awareness, forgetfulness, and deliberate withholding.

Consider the first reason — the caring person may not yet be aware of the need. This is especially true when one’s growth (physical, emotional, or mental) has progressed sufficiently that a new need arises — the need to begin learning about the very next thing that one wants to be able to master. In this case, the cared-for person has the responsibility to inform the caring person of the newly found need.

Consider the second reason — forgetfulness or laziness. Here a gentle reminder may be all that is needed.

Finally, consider the third reason — deliberate withholding. This is the hardest one of all to deal with, because we ourselves are unaware of what we are (or are not) doing that is causing the withholding. Withholding is common with regard to things which are done for pure enjoyment, where one of them does not particularly enjoy it.

One might say any of the following remarks, depending on one’s feelings about how much the caring person already knows. The parenthesized remark is an an optional hint that can be thrown in, depending on whether you feel the other person will easily figure out what you want and expect.

1. I’m beginning to feel a need for X from you. (Do you feel able to begin meeting that need for me?)

2. I’m feeling (or beginning to feel) neglected with respect to X. (Do you suppose we could find a time to do more of X?)

3. I feel that you no longer enjoy doing X with me. (Is there a reason I don’t know about?)

On Feelings of Intimidation or Ignorance

It is always the case that two people differ in their knowledge about people and the world they live in. When one person becomes aware that something exists that they don’t know about and that they feel they should know about, they develop feelings of ignorance. Depending on the manner in which the other person disclosed the existence of the item in question, one may also have feelings of intimidation. Again there are three sets of circumstances, depending on the state of awareness of the person in exclusive possession of the piece of knowledge in question. First, the owner of the knowledge may not be aware that the other doesn’t know, and may even expect the other to know it. Second, the owner of the knowledge may be generally aware that the other person doesn’t know, but feels they should know even though they don’t want to know. Finally, the owner of the knowledge may be well aware that the other person does not know and has no need to know, in which case the remark is a deliberate intimidation. Depending on one’s feelings about why the knowledgeable person remarked about the item in question, one may choose an appropriate reply from the following list.

1. I feel a little ashamed to admit it, but I don’t feel as knowledgeable on the subject as I’d like to be. (Since you seem to be conversant on the matter, do you suppose we could find a convenient time when you could explain it more carefully to me?)

2. I feel you’re trying to tell me something you feel I should know. (I’m not sure I want to take the time to learn about it just yet.)

3. By talking so much about a subject that I know nothing about, I feel you are trying to intimidate me. (Would you mind not lecturing to me on the subject any more?)

On Feelings of Resentment

When someone who presumes to know what they are talking about makes a patently false diagnosis, the diagnosed person may resent the authority. (There are two possible reasons for a false diagnosis. First, the expert may be lacking a key piece of information (such as an unknown cause and effect relationship) which, if it were used, would dramatically change the diagnosis. Second, the diagnosis may rely on faulty logic.) Alternatively, resentment may arise when an expert correctly identifies a hidden feeling that the person is either unaware of or knows about but wants to keep hidden. Finally, resentment may arise when a technically competent person competes with a less skilled person in an area where the less skilled individual has assumed responsibility. In the business environment, this phenomenon causes turf battles, because getting the right answer quickly may be deemed more important than the professional growth of a particular employee. Both the caretaker and the cared-for person have obligations to avoid and correct situations leading to feelings of resentment. For the most part, the burden falls on the person harboring resentment to communicate the appropriate diagnostic message back to the source.

On Feelings of Insecurity

An individual who has evidence that their role or contribution is not highly valued develops feelings of insecurity. If the individual feels that their role and level of contribution is fixed over time, then the insecurity grows worse. It seems to me that both parties have an obligation to create opportunities for growth so that an individual can assume ever larger roles and responsibilities as their knowledge and skills improve.

On Feelings of Mistrust

Ignorance, resentment, and insecurity add up to general mistrust. In order to break the downward spiral, at least one party has to choose to take a risk with the other person. This risk is an act of faith, based on the assumption that the other person can reverse their attitude. Either the mistrusting individual has to trust in the benevolence of the untrusted party, or the untrusted individual has to trust in the growth potential of the insecure individual. That is, the person perceived to have the power has to transfer some power to the other, and let them learn to manage their newly acquired responsibility. Unless the person holding the position of power is keenly aware of the emotional state of the less powerful, nothing will happen until the less powerful begin to create their own opportunities for sharing power wisely. That is, both parties must agree to mutual goals before any significant transfer of resources can take place. Both parties have an obligation to create a climate of trust. Since the learning process involves both theory and practice, a portion of one’s learning comes from making, analyzing, and correcting mistakes. This process of self-correction (learning) works best when the effect of the mistake (the negative feedback message from the environment) includes information about 1) what the mistake was (i.e. what specific behavior should be changed), 2) the direction of the needed change, and 3) the magnitude of the needed change.