On Expressing Feelings
Barry Kort
One’s feelings are an Index into an individual’s mental (emotional and intellectual) state. As one matures emotionally and intellectually, one’s feelings track that state. For example, the feeling of being interested in some activity or subject comes at a time when one wants to learn about that activity or subject. The feeling of boredom comes from being exposed to an activity or subject which one has already learned about. The feeling of fear comes when one is exposed to a situation that one has not yet learned how to handle comfortably. The feeling of intimidation comes when one is exposed to an idea or topic that one has not yet begun to learn about. When one is exposed to any sensory input (sight, sound, touch, taste, body contact, or information from the outside world), one’s feelings reflect one of three possible states that we may be in with respect to that sensory input. If we know all about it, we are bored by it. If someone tries to tell us something we already know, it bothers us. We are bothered first because this person is wasting our time and second because they are revealing their ignorance of our mental state. If someone says something to us that we don’t understand, we feel intimidated, because they are revealing to us the existence of knowledge that we are not yet cognizant of. If the other person is aware that we are not knowledgeable on the subject, then they may be deliberately hurting us (by clogging up our sensory input channels) with information we are presently unable to use. If someone presents us with a currently useful piece of information they are helping us in our current learning activity, and we accept their input gratefully. An expression of one’s feelings is a diagnostic message about the usefulness of the input that one is getting from the outside world.
When someone tries to expose us to information or an experience that we are well aware of, they are not helping us learn. The bored person is in possession of a piece of information that the other person lacks. The only correct way to fix it is for the bored person to say to the other, "I appreciate what you are trying to do, but you must know that I am already familiar with that activity/information." On the other hand, if you would like to be sure that your understanding of a piece of information matches the other’s, you could say, "I am aware of that, but it might be useful for me to go over it with you once, just to be sure that I understand it in the same way that you do." This lets the other person know (become aware) of your state of knowledge on the topic.
When someone is talking "over our heads," the correct way to let them know your feelings depends on whether you really are interested in knowing about that topic just now. For example, you might say, "I’m having a little trouble following you. Would you mind going a little slower?" or "Would you be able to explain that in simpler terms?" If the topic is inappropriate for you, just say, "Thanks for wanting to tell me this, but I would really like to wait before I begin to learn about it. When I’m ready, I hope you’ll still be available to talk to me about it." If you feel that someone is deliberately making an intimidating remark, the correct way to protect your feelings is to say to the other person, "I’m feeling a bit intimidated by this discussion," or "I feel you’re trying to intimidate me." This makes the other person aware of your feelings and his transgression of them. Once he becomes aware of his wrongdoing, he will begin the process of correcting his behavior toward you. If he persists, you can now say, "I just told you that you are intimidating me. Are you now deliberately trying to hurt my feelings?" You can reinforce the message by reminding the offender, "You know that I really don’t care for it when you make intimidating remarks to me."
Anger is a catch-all diagnostic message that merely says "something is wrong with what I see or hear." The angered person has the obligation to make the offender aware of the behavior that is offensive. One might say, "It makes me very angry when you tell me what to say/think/do. I would appreciate you better if you said to me, "Have you considered/thought about saying/doing the thing suggested?"
Deliberate aggression (yelling and screaming, hitting and pinching, name-calling, mocking, etc.) may be handled by making the offender aware that such behavior is aggressive and that they do not have your permission to behave aggressively toward you. You might say to them, (loudly, if necessary) "You are yelling/hitting me/calling me names/mocking me! You do not have my permission to yell at me/call me names/ hit me/mock me. You are acting aggressively toward me. You do not have my permission to act aggressively toward me." In saying this, you are communicating your very strong feeling that the indicated behavior is impermissible. You are imparting knowledge to the aggressive person that their behavior is wrongful. That is, you are teaching them a very important piece of knowledge that they do not possess (and do not want to possess), but one they need to possess in order to survive in their environment. Note importantly that you do not punish them or hurt them back for their wrongful behavior. Punishment itself is a wrongful act, and the offender has not extended permission to be punished. Therefore the punishment is not accepted as a piece of useful information. It is merely perceived as an act of counter-aggression. Ignorance is not a sin. If a person behaves in an undesirable way out of ignorance, the correct behavior toward them it to simply give them the piece of knowledge that they lack.
Stoicism is a wrongful behavior in a very subtle way. The stoic, by failing to communicate his feelings, fails to educate those around him as to the behavior that would best enable him to learn from the others. He fails to impart knowledge (of himself) to others that would better enable them to communicate with him. The Stoic’s most difficult task is to impart knowledge that is essential to the other person’s emotional growth, but that the other person does not want to learn. That is, the Stoic must commit an act against the other person’s permission, for the purpose of helping that person to grow emotionally. The act is to tell the other person that certain aspects of their behavior are impermissible. When such essential information comes from a respected person, the knowledge is likely to be accepted, and when the newly educated person comes to understand that the knowledge was beneficial to their well-being, their feelings toward their educator will be the feelings of love toward someone who cares about them.
Between strangers, bodily contact is generally unwelcome, and may be considered an act of aggression. Between lovers, bodily contact is welcomed and is an expression of love. To see and touch another person’s body is to learn about their body. When someone permits you to learn about their body, they are imparting knowledge of themselves to you. They do this willingly if they feel you will use this knowledge beneficially for them. When we obtain knowledge about another person’s body, because we want to know, but we have no expectation of using that knowledge for the other person’s benefit, we don’t feel particularly good about the transaction. The feeling of being embarrassed is the sense of loss in giving away knowledge about oneself, without getting reciprocal knowledge in return. The receiver of the knowledge similarly has a feeling of wrongdoing because they indeed took some knowledge and gave nothing in return. This guilt is typically assuaged by the giving of a material possession. The only honest way to repay the debt is to impart a piece of knowledge in return, which is to say, care about the other person’s growth, and give them something they want and need to effect that growth. When someone is attempting to obtain illicit information about your body, you could say to them, "I feel uncomfortable when you touch me/look at me in that way. For now, I would prefer that we just talked/held hands/kept our clothes on". If the offender persists, one might say, "I really don’t want you to touch me there." If necessary, escalate in turn to "You do not have my permission to touch me. You are touching me without my permission. I consider your behavior an act of aggression. You are acting aggressively toward me. You do not have my permission to act aggressively towards me." At this point, the offender possesses certain knowledge that his behavior is wrongful, and that the use of physical defense would be justified. In giving knowledge to the offender without the use of counter-force, the offender will come to respect you. (This might take some time to happen.)
When someone takes your property without your permission, they are not respecting your wishes. If you want someone to stop taking your property, you must make them aware that the act of theft of your property is an impermissible act. That is you must let them know that they are taking your property without your permission. You might say, "I would appreciate it very much if you would check with me first before using my [piece of property]." If necessary, escalate, in turn, to, "You took/used that without telling me you had it. I did not give you permission to take/use that. You do not/no longer have my permission to take/use that. You are taking my property without my permission. When you take something without permission, you are stealing. You are stealing my property. If you continue to steal my property, I will take appropriate action to stop you." Every step of the way, you are imparting knowledge to the wrongdoer — knowledge that they can use to choose a more appropriate behavior.
Because a great deal of knowledge about ideas is self-taught, it is important to respect another person’s wishes with respect to the imparting of information. When you give someone information that they do not want or cannot use, you are acting against their wishes. When you take a piece of knowledge that you own, and give it to another person, it becomes another piece of information to them — information they did not seek, and information that has an indeterminate reliability (they don’t know whether the information can be trusted). The trust-level of a piece of information is just the trust-level that the recipient places on the source of the information. Giving bad advice is an excellent way to cause the advisee to lose confidence in the reliability of the advisor’s knowledge. However it is possible and necessary to impart knowledge without handing it over as a gift. A gift is of no value unless it’s appreciated by the recipient. The gift of knowledge requires the recipient to appreciate its value at the time (or shortly thereafter). Information is like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Knowledge is knowing where to put each piece. A piece is useful if the recipient can quickly see where it fits. Then they will accept it and install it in its correct position. It then becomes knowledge. Knowledge is information organized and related in such a way that it can be used to guide choices that the individual must make in deciding how to react to a given set of circumstances.
One can use one’s feelings to discover one’s own knowledge. Consider the following dialogue.
I see you are working on a problem.
Yes, it’s very puzzling.
Do you know how to solve it?
I don’t think so.
Have thought of any way to solve it at all.
Well, sort of.
What do you mean?
It gets me part way toward the solution, but then a snag develops along the way, and the solution doesn’t pan out.
Do you think there is a way to solve it without running into any snags.
I don’t know.
Do you think there is a way to find out?
I don’t know.
Would you like to know the answer to the last two questions I asked you?
Sure. Do you know the answer?
Yes. Would you like me to give it to you.
I guess so.
What would happen if you advertised your problem to someone who knew more about that kind of problem than you do?
Well, if I could find such a person, I suppose he could either suggest the answer or suggest a method to obtain the answer.
Do you already know of anyone who might be able to help?
Hey, you’re right! I do know some people who might be able to help. In fact, you may be one of them!
Thank you, that’s very flattering. As a matter of fact, I do know of some ways that you haven’t yet considered. Would you like me to tell you about them.
Oh, yes! Tell me all about them.
Let’s do it slowly so you’ll be able to understand them as we go along. You tried method A and it didn’t pan out. Have you ever considered method B?
I never heard of method B. How does it work?
If I tell you the method, perhaps you can discover for yourself how it works. So let me start by just describing the method as a recipe....
It’s perfectly clear to me how that method avoids the snag of method A. You don’t have to convince me any more. I’m going to try method B. Thanks for your help. I appreciated it very much.
Not at all. It made me feel good to be of assistance.
The questions being asked by the helper follow the "Socratic Method" named after the Greek philosopher Socrates. By working down through the method, one can determine the limits of one’s own knowledge about how to solve a problem. When you get to a point where you feel you would like input from the outside world, that is the time to go in search of outside information. The best sources are those who you feel to be knowledgeable in the subject (you trust their knowledge) and who are available to give you some of their time. When you seek knowledge from others, they feel good about giving it only if they feel confident that they really possess the knowledge you seek. But in order to test the reliability of the information they give you, only work with those pieces that are on the frontier of your jigsaw puzzle of organized knowledge. If a piece fits neatly into place, you have high confidence that it’s reliably correct.
The world is full of caring people. Yet for many of us, the act of caring is not a well-defined act. What do I do, when I want to act in a caring manner? The answer now appears. First, the act of caring is finding out another’s feelings, which is to say finding out where they are in terms of physical, emotional, and intellectual growth. Then, to the best of your ability, give them what they want and need. What they want is what their feelings tell them they want. What they need is what your feelings tell you they should have. Second, and this is the most important act of the caring individual (and also the hardest to perform), let the other person know how you feel about what they are doing and saying (specific behavior). Ask yourself if you are giving equal portions of good and bad feelings. "I liked it when you did thus-and-so. I was proud of you when you did that. I was disappointed to see that happen to you. I was very distressed by your behavior last night." Consider giving suggestive behavior. "Some day I’d like to see you do thus-and-so. It would make me feel good if you tried that out." Extend invitations to help. "If you ever become interested in topic A, please come around to chat with me about it. If you ever have a problem of any sort, I hope you would come to me when you felt you needed help."