On Giving Unwanted Presents
Barry Kort
Very often, someone who cares about you gives you a present that you do not want or need. In that case you do not actually appreciate receiving the present, and your feelings about the transaction are less than positive. There are several important kinds of presents that we make to people that are very different in nature, but they still evoke positive or negative feelings depending on whether the recipient wants the thing being given. Material presents are objects or articles that the recipient can use and enjoy for personal comfort. Experiential presents are gifts such as taking one to a ball game or to a movie or dinner. Ideational presents are presents of one’s thoughts or ideas or suggestions. Depending on the physical, emotional, and mental maturity of the recipient, such presents may be welcome or unwelcome. Material presents are welcomed by individuals who want and need such objects. But they are little appreciated by someone who has more than he needs. Experiential presents are welcomed by individuals who are just becoming interested in new life experiences. But they are little appreciated by individuals who are "getting tired" (bored) with another repeat of the same old thing. And they may be very frightening if they involve many new sensory inputs at one time. Ideational presents are welcomed by individuals who are highly intellectual. But they are of little or no meaning to those who have not yet begun to do any serious thinking. It is this last point that I wish to dwell on, for it is the source of a great deal of unhappiness in human interaction.
Advice is an ideational present that may or may not be welcome. If one gives advice without first asking, one may be giving an unwanted present. When someone gives an excess of unwanted advice, the recipient builds up resentment toward the advice giver. Advice may be unwanted for three reasons. First, the individual may not be capable of carrying out some or all of the steps required to follow the advice. Second, the individual may prefer to work out a course of action on his own, in order to further his own intellectual growth. Third, the individual may already well know exactly what course of action to take to obtain the desired result. Regardless of the reason, the unwanted advice is not listened to, so the communication is just "noise" to the recipient and a waste of the advice-giver’s time. If an individual does not want advice for the second reason above, the advice giver could provide useful help by asking the would-be advisee, "What would happen if you did thus-and-so?" This form of advice-giving stimulates the would-be advisee to think about the question and make up his own mind (which is exactly what he wants to do). The advice-giver must be cautious not to give away too much, lest he rob the would-be advisee of the motivation to think through his alternatives. Thus the advice-giver should ask enough questions to make himself aware of the particular stumbling block that is preventing the would-be advisee from discovering the right course of action. When one gives unwanted advice, one usually gets back a cryptic diagnostic message indicating which of the three reasons were applicable.
1) "I could never do that!" and a wrinkling of the brows.
2) (Sarcastically): "Thanks a lot."
3a) A wry smile and a "Humphh" (exhaling noisily through the nostrils).
3b) Rolling of the eyes if the advice was clearly wrong.
A person who knows well what to do could say to the advice-giver, "I feel I have a good idea of what to do, but it wouldn’t hurt to compare our plans to see if we can spot a flaw in either one."
A person with good sensory awareness has many facts that reflect what the senses saw. An intuitive person has many facts based on logical deduction. Each type of person is relatively unaware of the other person’s facts, and may not believe or comprehend them.
The ability to come up with good ideas is an important step in one’s mental growth. Like all learning experiences, one learns by doing. Thus it is not helpful to give away ideas to someone who is struggling to come up with one. It is better to say, "If you run out of ideas, and would like me to suggest some, please feel free to come around."
Someone who is just learning to make logical arguments has trouble following one that is too complex. Since the person making the logical argument is highly confident of his logic, he can express to the more feeling person his feeling of confidence about the logical deduction. "I feel certain that A must be the cause of B," or "It seems to me that it is highly likely that cigarette smoking causes cancer." In this context, feelings are just probabilities that the statement is true. This point is extremely important for a person with highly developed logical ability to remember. In order for a more feeling person to understand a remark made by a logical person, the remark should be couched in terms reflecting the confidence of the remark. Conversely, a false statement made by a feeling person should be dealt with by undermining the person’s feeling about it’s truth-value. "How do you know that?" or "If you asked someone else, do you feel they would agree with you?"
A feeling person may have difficulty following a logical deduction. A thinking person may have difficulty interpreting a string of feelings. Just as there is a language of logic, there is a language of feelings. Thinking people speak one language, consisting of strings of logical deductions. Feeling people speak another language, consisting of strings of emotional messages. In order to speak both languages simultaneously, one must link every thought or action with the corresponding feeling and exhibit the linkage. In doing so, the thinking person teaches logic to the feeling person. Conversely, if the feeling person can show the linkages between behavior and feelings, the thinking person can come to understand the logic of feelings. Consider the following interlocking message, consisting of logical statements about the relationship of actions to feelings:
I know you care very much about my physical well-being, so I wanted you to know what you can do to help me improve it. I feel certain that when anyone raises their voice at me, it causes my heart to beat faster and faster, which I feel is very bad for my physical well-being. I feel I know this to be true because it has happened so many times that it just cannot be a coincidence. Therefore, I want you to know how relieved I would feel if you discontinued raising your voice at me. So if you would do this for me, I would be very grateful. And I would like to be able to show my appreciation by giving you something you want from me, if you would be so kind as to suggest something that I could do or say or give to you, in return for the favor to me. I love you very much, and I hope you feel that my love for you is as strong as your love for me.
Since this statement was written by someone schooled in logic, the feeling terms may seem peculiar.